5 December 2008

The membership list leak - the truth at last!

From the Little Coddling Parish Newsletter and International Times Tribune Herald Journal Star.

Mystery of BNP membership list leak shock solved

By Sinead De Regis

Braindead Neanderthal Party leader Nick Grabbit has admitted that all might not be as it seems in the mystery of the BNP membership list leak shock.

Mr Grabbit told me last night that on closer inspection the leaked list could not be the BNP membership list, as there were more than four names on it. In fact the leaked document appeared to be Mr Grabbit's 2007 Christmas card list, since the 12,000 names on it all corresponded to those of close personal friends and neighbours of his. Taking out an onion, Mr Grabbit expressed his deep regret for any anxiety caused by the leaking of his Christmas card list.

Speaking at his pig farm just outside Little Coddling, the BNP leader told this journal: "Bugger. This all blew up at the wrong time. I was expecting to be in Australia by now, visiting my little friend Darrin the Newt. Rest assured that everybody on the list will receive a hand-written mail-merged personal letter from me, and by way of making it up to them I'll be offering everybody the chance to invest in a fantastic Croatian time-share opportunity. Want to hire a skip? Lend me a fiver until next Thursday?"

The news was welcomed by local primary school teacher Mrs Delia Pustule, who found herself outed on the list. In the front lebensraum of her cottage, Mrs Pustule said she knew she would be vindicated. "I'm not a Nazi and this proves it - but that Hitler had some good ideas," she said, humming along to a CD of the Horst Wessel Lied. "I am not now and never have been a member of the Braindead Neanderthal Party, except for a very short period when I made a mistake and joined for fifteen years running. It's an error anybody could make. Wasn't that Goering a handsome fellow?"

Also appearing on the list was Mr Podney Fullbucket, owner of the Whips and Chains Gay Sado-Masochist Club and Eel Pie Shop on Coddling High Street. "I was outraged to find myself of this list, and wish to state that Whips and Chains would never associate itself with an organisation like the Braindead Neanderthal Party," said Mr Fullbucket. "I want to make it clear," he said, adjusting his strong-smelling leather thong, "that we have an open door policy here. Darkies and hook-noses are as welcome here as poofs and dykes. In fact since me and the business were associated with the BNP we've had all sorts of perverts in and business has boomed. But I'm glad the truth is out, because I was never at any time in the BNP other than as a paying member, and that was only because somebody calling himself 'Tony' took my wife and kids hostage and said that if I didn't stand as a candidate he'd make sure they slept with the fishes. Or it might have been pigs. Got to go now - one of our members is getting married and we're having a whip-round."

Long suspected of secret membership of the Braindead Neanderthals is Pat Snarkspore, general secretary of Little Coddling's Swindle trade union. We surprised Mr Snarkspore as he ran off a number five bus in Little Coddling High Street, hotly pursued by a bus-company inspector. There ensued an altercation in which the inspector demanded to see Mr Snarkspore's ticket. Mr Snarkspore said he could not produce the original ticket, but he did have a copy, certified by a solicitor who he did not care to name. When the inspector alleged that when he was asked to purchase a ticket by the bus driver Mr Snarkspore had told the driver to "Eff off", Mr Snarkspore retaliated that he had a minute of that conversation, signed as a true and accurate record by himself and his friend Graham, and he would produce it in a few days' time.

"I've never been a member of the Braindead Neanderthal Party," said Mr Snarkspore. "Nick's had that little moneypot stitched up for years. I just take what the poor saps have got left by getting them to join my union, which I originally purchased off-the-peg at a charity shop, Potter's Lost Causes Foundation. It was on a rack marked 'corrupt fascist unions', next to the bra's amd panties. It isn't true that I grabbed the union and made a dash for it. Nor is it true that I'm a secret fascist. Mussolini was a liberal like me, you know. One darkie has flocked to our big fighting union, Swindle. I fancy him something rotten, and so does my ex-wife. There are hundreds of thousands of Swindle members living in Little Coddling, and we're not going to take this lying down. Well, my ex-wife does, but she's always been a disappointment."

The biggest shock of all came when it was revealed that Little Coddling's Chief Constable Herbert Nazi-Walker was on the list. When we interviewed Nazi-Walker he was prodding his truncheon at a bloodied Asian man sprawled on the ground. "He just fell down the stairs," said Mr Nazi-Walker. "It happens a lot. I'm just resuscitating him with my truncheon now."

Told of the mix up that led to Mr Nazi-Walker being wrongly outed as a Braindead Neanderthal, the chief constable's right arm shot into the air and he shouted something that sounded like "see file".

"Thank God," he said. "I'm not a Nazi, but that Gestapo had some good ideas. And I haven't got anything against darkies. Just last week I went into Abdul's Curry Restaurant in the High Street, and took eighty of my police friends with me. We had a real good bash, and we did send our commiserations to Abdul's widow the next morning. She didn't thank us, though, but you know what these bloody darkies are like. No, I've never been in the Braindead Neanderthal Party, and neither have any of my fellow members of the BNP Advisory Council. Isn't that Redwatch site bloody good?"

The Little Coddling Parish Newsletter and International Times Tribune Herald Journal Star would like to apologise for the distress caused to all 12,000 Little Coddling residents who were wrongly outed as Braindead Neanderthal Party members in our columns as a result of Mr Grabbit mixing up his Christmas card list with the membership list.

We have had access to the real membership list, on which only four names appear. We note with interest that these members are located in Lancaster, Kirklees, Great Yarmouth, and a PO Box number in Ilford.

Mr Grabbit says he is very suspicious.

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